去过很多国家和城市，目前为止，还没有哪个城市比伦敦更彪悍，更混乱。

才回来不过短短几天，发生的神奇事迹比在国内几个月发生的还要多。

今天下午去了一趟selfridges，有个服装公司的BOSS突然冒出来说下周牛津街有个服装秀，要我去走秀，然后买了东西他居然第一次见面就要帮忙付帐。我当时手一抖，连忙说nonononono，卡还没找出来现金就先扔出去。

最后在这位BOSS的压力下，快速选了一双靴子就闪人了，导致售货员问我要不要袋子的时候我想都没想就直接说了YES。

接下来，恐怖的事情发生了。

我不曾料到那个袋子是如此的大，系带是如此的长。长到我可以直接把袋子拖在地上当成行李箱走……而那么肥大的一个“纸箱子”中，只有一双靴子和一盒面膜。

打电话给kate，kate说你坐一站巴士过来，只有一条街，任何巴士都可以。

然后在排队等待巴士到下巴士的过程中，所有人都听见我像录音机一样重复说："excuse me." "sorry" "sorry it's too big " "I'm really sorry ... " "thanks very much“ "thank you" "excuse me" "sorry"……

所有人也一直在重复："ouch!" "sorry" "oops" "ouch" "sorry" "oops" ……（注：在英国一般两个人相撞，就算是被害者也会道歉）

而那棕色闪亮的纸袋子上面，还印着发亮的巨大的LOGO。以至于我在见到KATE那一瞬间，她满面春光地望着我：“How much did you get from Gucci that you're promoting their products by holding this huge bag? ”

我猥琐地笑了。

在excuse me sorry oops ouch cheers的交响乐中，我们找到了座位。那时候Ann和她另外两个朋友已经到了。坐在最外延的一对情侣站起来给我们让座，Kate非常没有义气地先进去坐下了。我却猛然发现那个袋子太大根本没办法放进去。挣扎了半天，发现整个电影院的人已经将注意力转移到我的视线上，我终于把手中的大杯可乐交给站起来的男士："could you hold this please?" 那位男士僵了僵，接过去，我扛着巨大袋子就进去了。可是，坐下来那一瞬间，我发现自己的高度和旁边的人不一样，还没来得及调整位置，下面没放倒的椅子就砰的一声倒下去，我整个人也像坐过山车一样滑下去。在Kate和Ann强憋着的笑声中微笑着接过可乐，我对旁边的男士说了一声谢谢，然后回头严肃地看着她们："stop laughing! you guys are just so rude!!"

如我所料，笑声更欢乐了。

笑了大概半分钟，我再回头准备向那两个人道谢，结果，身边已经空了……

电影完了以后，灯光亮起，我因为有这个袋子拖着，只有等所有人离开以后再出去。那时刚好是电影高峰期，外面排队的人很多，我们在excuse me sorry oops ouch thanks还有诡异的笑声中离开了电影院。

我和Kate在凄凉地寒风中和其他人道别，走向地铁的道路。Kate说要抽根烟，于是我陪她坐下来休息一阵子。她正跟我说她前男友在分手一年零七个月后又跑回来找她和好，还说要搬到伦敦来，她只告诉他请你fuck off，情绪最为激动的时候，一个矮矮瘦瘦的英国男人走过来，眯着眼睛说："May I have a cigarette?"

Kate扭曲的脸立刻变得很温柔很抱歉："oh sorry this is the last one..."（她包里还有两盒）

那个男人点点头，就站在我们面前没动了。我和她面面相觑，彻底处于冻结状态。大概持续了二十秒，她又继续说："So I'm really not bothered, he can do whatever he wants --"

这时，那个男人说："So where are you from?"

我们又一次冻结。

Kate回过头去，微笑着说："I'm sorry but it's none of your business --"

"Where are you from? Tell me, come on, where are you from? Germany? Why are you in our country?"

Kate: I am British. （Kate是意大利人，她这么说是打算赶他走）

猥琐男：No you don't look like british.

Kate: So what should british look like? I am British.

猥琐男无语了。

Kate、我: ...

猥琐男：Where are you from?

Kate: Just get away! Or I'll call the police.

猥琐男：You must be kidding me. Are you from Germany? You? Japan? What are you doing in my country? You get away!

我（听到那个Japan爆发了）：Excuse me? Is this your own country? Even Gordon Brown doesn't have the power to do that.

猥琐男：Stupid Japanese!

我：You're right. So could you please go away now?

此时，Kate真的打电话报警了……OTZ

开始我们都以为那个猥琐男是个疯子，谁知Kate刚一打通电话，他就拔腿溜了。

之后，我和她冻结着抵达了地铁站。

刚一坐下来等地铁，Kate伸出颤抖的手给我看: Jesus! That really freaked me out!

我: No worries, he's mental.

Kate: I know. That's why I told him that I was British. Even he didn't think I look like ...

说到这里，一个浓浓的伦敦腔从我们脑袋上空飘来：No you can't do that - You never do that.

我们同时抬头，看见一个阿叉大叔正严肃地看着我们。Kate仿佛已经放弃，呆呆地望着他。而他继续激动地说：People are just ridiculous. Yea, why was that?? what should British look like? My mum gave me birth in London. I AM British --

我终于忍不住打断他：Calm down please. We just met someone who was totally out of control --

他打断我：Listen to me. I am British, and those stupid fucking wankers are just races - What should a British look like? I'm outstanding in anyway of ... （省略几千字）

他跟着我们上了地铁，一直讲一直讲，坐过一站以后，KATE拽着我就下站等下一班。

最后，我们站在地铁呼啸的风中凌乱冻结着。

还是强悍的她先说话了： London is really depressed that everyone acts like crazy here. I was talking to you.Why would he even bother to disturb us? Just get his fucking own way!

我：....................

Kate: I really need to get home now.

我: me too ...

回家以后，我又一次深深地感悟到自己是真的回到了伦敦。

很快接到了Kate的电话：

"You know what, those things really freaked me out. As a woman, I need to protect myself. I've asked all my flatmates to take a Kungfu class with me next week. Do you wanna join us?"

"Well ... All I know is, Kungfu really works."

"You don't want it do you?"

"Kate, this Sunday is really weird."

"I know."